My first STD was from a foam party
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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