One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
Four minutes until I can fart!
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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