sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
