so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
