Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
mondays should just be called national damage control day
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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