I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
