Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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