How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
