I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I forgot wine drunk hurts
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
