So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
this is an emotional support booty call
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Randomize
