apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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