life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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