I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
