I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Randomize
