Moan for me like Helen Keller
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
