yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
