I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Text me some of your sweat
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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