Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
