I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
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