I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
