You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
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