R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
