3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
We had to coat check the pizza.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Randomize
