Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
