Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
