he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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