Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Randomize
