My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
The air taste purple.
Randomize
