and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Just invented taco cereal.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
