I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Blow job season was short but glorious.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
