did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
