listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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