I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
