her vagina looked like bernie madoff
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
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