I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Randomize
