Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
