do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
