I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
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