Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
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