My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
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