Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
