He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
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