I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Randomize
