Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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