I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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