I wanna bring you to show and tell
BLOW JOB GIRL IS IN WALMART
Some people actually refer to her as Kaitlyn you know.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
