Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
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