tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Randomize
