You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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