Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
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